Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
