My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize