I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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