Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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