I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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