I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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