I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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