He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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