Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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