You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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