my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
