one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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