i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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