The best revenge is premature balding
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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