life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
