It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
