my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
