I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
