Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?