i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was born a porn star she said
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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