just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left