I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
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Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.