i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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