I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
