I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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