She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
