Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
