I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This baby is an asshole
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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