Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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