Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
