a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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