obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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