Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
