dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
