Need sex. Gaining weight.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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