Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
