Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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