gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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