The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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