I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
