i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
