Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
