Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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