i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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