i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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