Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
