We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
