did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
