Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.