She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
