Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
