u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
