why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
