Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
