Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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