I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
