Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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