i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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